


and they may tell you (and you can tell them)

by inmylife



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Trans Character, Introspection, Lup-centric, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 22:29:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20881715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inmylife/pseuds/inmylife
Summary: womanhood, in five parts.





	and they may tell you (and you can tell them)

_and they may tell you, mountain woman, _

_that you were never meant to rise this high_

_but you of the snowy eyes and purple skies_

_were born to climb_

_forget the rocky footing. _

_you have nowhere to go but up. _

It's a year or so after the Day of Story and Song, and Lup's alone. 

Kravitz and Taako are having a date - it's their anniversary, after all - and Barry's on a job, on his own, and Lup's at the top of a mountain, thinking. 

They'd gone to a world once where they'd met a man who'd searched the world for a ruby, a precious one, one above all other gemstones. (What he was _really_ looking for was the Light, but he didn't know it then. The crew had made him a fancy stone anyway, because they felt bad.) Long gray hair and a droopy mustache and a pointy beard, and he'd lived on top of a mountain, and it was one of the first times Lup had ever been on a mountaintop and looked down, really looked down. It was vast and a long way to the ground but she wasn't scared then nor is she now. 

It's windy. It's cloudy. It's a lot like that day in their third cycle when she'd stood at the top of that mountain and walked away, from Taako from Barry from everyone, and looked down, _really_ looked down. It's calming and it's peaceful and it makes her think. 

A street girl, a trans girl, a conwoman - they said she'd never get anywhere, they said. But she fought and she went to school and got into the IPRE and went universes away, farther than anyone could ever imagine. 

She'd proved them all wrong. 

_and they may tell you, river woman,_

_that your mouth would be prettier shut (!)_

_but you of the swift words and clear currents_

_were born to speak_

_forget the icy stares._

_from your source springs only truth._

It's cycle eighteen, and Lup is furious. 

How could they. How could they! 

It's not just about the fifteen dollars. It's about their humanity. They can't lose that. They can't. 

And all she can do is hand over a gun and say "light them the fuck up" but that won't _really_ do anything, will it, everyone they get to know and leave behind is _going to die_ and there's nothing she can do and just-

It's cycle eighteen, and Lup is in despair,

and Barry J. Bluejeans speaks up from someplace above where she's curled up on the balls of her feet against the railing on the deck of the ship and says, "it's not going to be like this forever." 

And she says, "Yeah?"

And he says, "Yeah. We'll figure it out. We'll get there."

And she takes a deep, shuddering breath, and says, "Thanks, Barold."

And he says, "It's just Barry. For the last damn time." 

_and they may tell you, meadow woman,_

_that you are not worth the air that you breathe_

_but you of the green roots and pure blooms_

_were born to grow_

_forget (forget forget) the empty hearts._

_everything you touch_

_opens up._

It's their first day at the IPRE, and Lup is afraid. 

The twintype they've always fallen into is such that Taako is the anxious one while Lup charges ahead. Taako's good out here and Lup burns shit down. But really she's just as afraid as he is. They slept on the same floors, in the same wagons, with the same fear in their beds. She's afraid of what happens if he'd ever leave her because they're all each other's got, and she's afraid of this flood of new people who'll - they'll see her breasts, yeah, and her long long hair, but they'll also see her combat boots and her head shaved on one side and the pants with many pockets, and she's afraid of if they'll misconceive. 

Taako says not to worry about it but Taako's also in the transmutation department which, as everyone knows, is the queerest discipline of magic. There's something inherently trans about transmutation, and it's not just in the name. It's not just the name, it's the change. 

(There's something ironic in that, in the cis twin being the transmutation wizard. Then again, as Lup always likes to say, there's also something inherently trans about arson.)

Her boots make a sound on the white tile floor that's distinct from the person behind her who's wearing what Lup guesses are stilettos. She hears them _click-clack_ the same way she hears her boots _thud_. She'd wear heels, except then she'd be even taller. Also, she likes being able to balance, thanks very much. 

She's sure Taako's doing fine - well, as fine as Taako is in a situation such as this, all very new and without his sister. These classes are their first classes of the day and also their first without each other, here. Her hands aren't shaking but she feels like maybe they should be. 

She reaches to open the door, fingers long and nails painted black, and turns and meets the shocking-blue eyes of the person in stilettos. 

"You're - you too?" She stammers out. 

"Yeah," says the other, in a voice whose timbre is like Lup's own. Lup is gifted with a smile. "You look new. And lost. Welcome to the IPRE." 

"Thanks." 

Her voice is small, but her gratitude is great. 

_but ocean woman,_

_sometimes your waves will break._

_the tides can't come in strong every day_

_and even the moon makes mistakes._

Lup is in the umbrella. She has lost track of the days. 

She misses her brother. 

She's so sick of seeing purple every time she opens her eyes. 

She's so sick of fighting for every ounce of consciousness. 

She misses Barry. 

Fuck, did she even do the right thing? She's been gone _so_ long, surely it must have been years now - Taako's never going to find her. And Gundren Rockseeker has the relic now so this was all in vain. 

And Lucretia was right. This ruined this world. God Lucretia she's so _sorry-_

She misses home. She misses the world from beneath binary stars. 

Lup's only solace now is that one day, that perfect day in the empty world...

She thinks she hears her brother's voice. 

_so when your waters falter, they may ask you,_

_"who do you think you are"._

_and you can tell them,_

_i _

_am_

_a_

_woman._

_i keep the company of others like me._

_women of forest, women of fire,_

_women of sunshine, women of sea._

_and we lay claim to ev'rything from coral reef to redwood tree._

It is cycle eighty, and Lup is worried. 

Merle is dead. Again. This is not news. This is not why Lup is worried.

Lup is worried about Lucretia. The girl'd shut herself in her room after coming back today and Lup doesn't know why. Well, Lucretia just does that sometimes, but today she'd been distraught. 

Lup remembers sometimes that Lucretia is so young. She has lifetimes' worth of experience (that is, for a human) packed into the body of someone who's voice isn't even settled yet. (A nice bit of vocal trivia from the Legato Conservatory right there.) Her brain's not quite done forming, or whatever. Lup doesn't know how humans work, or at least she tries very hard not to. Knowing how humans work would entail knowing very intimately what goes on inside Magnus Burnsides' head, and Lup very much doesn't want that. 

Anyway, she thinks she hears Lucretia sob. 

Fuck it. Lup opens the door. 

"Hey, hon," she murmurs. Lucretia looks up from this... blanket fort she's built herself, looking like a startled animal. "You good?" 

The kid's eyes are shining. "God," says Lup, "come here," but really Lup walks over herself and puts her arms around Lucretia, stroking the back of her shaved head while the younger girl cries, and she says, "talk to me."

_and even still, they may tell you,_

_"don't get ahead of yourself"._

_IGNORE THEM._

_go _ _as _ _far _ _as _ _you _ _can._

**Author's Note:**

> the poem is "they may tell you", by isabella cook. i'm doing a setting of this in my choir at college and this kinda popped into my head. 
> 
> find me on tumblr @deep-hearts-core!


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